I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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