i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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