i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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