she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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