watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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