I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
