You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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