our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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