the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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