Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
