Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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