A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
