we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
