The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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