Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
