Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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