Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cut my penus on the lid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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