using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
