he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
