you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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