the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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