He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
