Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
