my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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