I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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