It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
