Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
