I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
