How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
