Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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