I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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