I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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