I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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