Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
