I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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