Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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