Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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