just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
