FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
