I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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