in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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