at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
