After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
