Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
