Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
