I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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