You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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