i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wish there were birth control emojis
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
