question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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