i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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