I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
